My Facebook Ombudsman

My status updates aren't technically lies...

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An investigation into his Facebook status updates revealed inaccurate reporting and unreliable social commentary on his life, so Alex Strum hired a personal ombudsman to fact check his updates.

September 18, 2009 – 7:45 PM – Alex Strum is trying to get some homework done before going to work…lamest Friday ever?

It should be noted that there are discrepancies with what Alex was actually doing. Although his schoolwork was present and in the open, his attention was mostly focused on the television, where Point Break was airing again on the USA network. Alex almost made his status a quote from Gary Busey’s character (“Utah! Get me two!”). In hindsight that would’ve been far more representative of where his attention lay, but Alex feared that those unfamiliar with the movie would judge him for his vague request of a state he’s never been to. “Going to work” is a thinly veiled attempt to get his friends to visit him at the bar where he is employed. Omitted from his updates: It did not work.

He did, however, succeed in getting a pen thrown at him by a customer who was displeased with the cost of Hennessy, perhaps giving credence to Alex’s claim of a “lame Friday.”

September 20, 2009 – 12:36 PM – Alex Strum is watching the Patriots sodomize the Jets and their overrated hype machine.

Ignoring for the moment the gratuitous use of vulgarity, a case could be made that this status falls under libel since there was no evidence of crude sexual acts being performed on the field. Alex was watching the Patriots and the Jets were, in fact, “hyped,” however they then proved the hype to be warranted as the Jets beat the pants off of New England.

September 23, 2009 – 3:32 PM – Alex Strum is convinced that Selma Blair has the BEST agent on EARTH. Not particularly attractive, and not a drop of talent, yet she still keeps getting gigs. Somewhere, Neve Campbell has to be pissed that Selma has the career she should’ve had.

In this instance, Alex has failed to recognize the relative scale on which he is judging both Blair and Campbell. While he may not believe Blair to be equally attractive as some other actresses, she is certainly (as even Alex will attest to) physically far superior to a number of women Alex has “associated” with in the past. Her talent as an actress may not merit the attentions of the Academy, but she still has far greater screen presence than, say, most of the waitresses in New York and Los Angeles.

Furthermore, Alex’s disregard for Campbell’s professional resume is blasphemous when considering the profound effect her swimming pool collaboration with Denise Richards in Wild Things had on Alex in his formative years. He also neglects to mention that he dressed as the Scream killer from Campbell’s blockbuster horror movie when he was in the sixth grade. It would be fair to say Neve Campbell has both directly and indirectly affected Alex’s life more than 90 percent of Hollywood actresses have.

Selma Blair, however, has not.

September 26, 2009 – 3:04 AM – Alex Strum hAD PROBABLY THE SICKEST NIGHT EVER!!! wOOOO!!!….maybe I’ll put youuu on the couch 😉

Perhaps a copy editor is needed here more than an ombudsman, but judging by the time posted and content, it is fair to assume that Alex was in an altered state and not capable of using good judgment on his utilization of Facebook. Although seemingly unfocused and a simple declaration of excitement, the post is vaguely aimed at drawing the ire of Alex’s recent ex-girlfriend, who would presumably be jealous and upset by this news of a “sick night” sans her. This is furthered by his inclusion of a flirtatious suggestion and accompanying winking emoticon, hinting that he has already found and established an intimate catalogue of inside humor with another female. This claim currently appears to be unfounded and possibly a sad ruse. Alex is puzzling in his contradictory nature – if this night was such a pleasant affair, then why is it ending with him surfing Facebook at 3 a.m., most likely by himself?  It doesn’t make sense. Alex’s cryptic post once more regretfully leaves more questions than answers.

September 26, 2009 – 1:17 PM – Alex Strum couch + sun = 2 hour nap

Alex is guilty of a scarcity of information in this status that makes one wonder if said posting was even necessary. More accurate variables that could’ve been added to the above equation include “Ketel One,” “Dehydration,” “Staying up until five watching Cold Case reruns,” and “social embarrassment for previous night’s actions — the foremost being the publishing of an immature and inaccurate previous status.” It should be noted that at 1:16 Alex deleted the previous “sick” status from existence in an effort to minimize viewership and awkward comments due to his repeated misuse of Facebook while intoxicated. This effort, like most of Alex’s status efforts, was in vain. Sad, sad Alex. • 10 December 2009


Alex Strum is a writer in Boston.
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