If I Did It is an extremely confusing book written by an extremely confused man. That man is O. J. Simpson. He wrote the book as an act of confession. Or, maybe not, since the entire book is hypothetical. O. J. Simpson didn’t even write the book. He told his hypothetical account to a ghostwriter named Pablo F. Fenjves. In fact, the name O. J. Simpson is nowhere to be found on the cover of If I Did It. There is only the phrase “Confessions of The Killer.”

The book refers to that now-infamous night twenty years ago, June 12, 1994, when O.J.’s wife Nicole Brown Simpson was killed along with Ronald Goldman. Ron Goldman was, most likely, a man at the wrong place at the wrong time, a waiter returning a pair of glasses left at a restaurant by Nicole’s mother. Or maybe he was romantically involved… More…

Act One: First Kiss I went to Christian camp a wayward duck; Mandy the Harlot was waiting.

Act Two: Baby Birds What would you do for the love of a hot poetess?


Act Three: Tent The perfect plan for teenage seduction.

Act Four: Sandwich How to steal from the grocer in six simple steps.

Act Five: Diplomat First date — near disaster.

Act Six: First Time One word: condoms.

Act Seven: Duluth The perfect vacation destination.

Act Eight: Swizzle Stick The most stupid relationship argument. Ever.

Act Nine: Love Train Can’t get off.