After my debit card was stolen one night, a couple of years ago, I posted this letter in the “lost & found” section of Craigslist:

Dear whoever stole my debit card on Tuesday night, out of the ’90 Toyota Corolla on NW Flanders, you know who you are, and I have a question for you: Why did you do that? Why did you withdrawal $442 from my account? Were you high, or hungry, or desperately ill, or, better yet, do you have a friend who was hungry, or ill, or needed desperately to get high?

Portland Teachers Credit Union tells me that next you bought two $62 Amtrack tickets and then spent $8 at Burgerville. That seems like a lot for one person at Burgerville, unless you got a milkshake or something. I know I always want one, but I am on a tight budget and so can’t afford those… More…

Act One: First Kiss I went to Christian camp a wayward duck; Mandy the Harlot was waiting.

Act Two: Baby Birds What would you do for the love of a hot poetess?


Act Three: Tent The perfect plan for teenage seduction.

Act Four: Sandwich How to steal from the grocer in six simple steps.

Act Five: Diplomat First date — near disaster.

Act Six: First Time One word: condoms.

Act Seven: Duluth The perfect vacation destination.

Act Eight: Swizzle Stick The most stupid relationship argument. Ever.

Act Nine: Love Train Can’t get off.